Managing Your Teen's Acting Out and Rule Breaking

What to look for?

What are high probability times for acting out and rule breaking?

• Weekends/weeknights
• Home alone before parents get home from work
• After your teen has had a bad day

How can I check on my teen during those times?

• If you go to bed before your teen's curfew, set your alarm clock so that you can wake up and check on your teen when they come home.
• Go to your teen right away when you return from work to check-up on them.
• If your teen is frequently tardy, inquire why and create a plan to ensure they arrive on time. You also have the option of having the school call you each time your teen gets a tardy.

Setting limits/rules

Although your teen is becoming more independent, it's really important to give them some structure. One way to do that is to have a few really clear rules that your teen can follow. These rules can be about chores, curfews, schoolwork or other expectations you might have for your household. Here is a list of rules that you can choose from. If you can, sit down with your teen to help decide on house rules--if you can’t, make sure you communicate with them which house rules you've chosen. Pick 3-5 that you think would make sense for your household:

• My teen will ask my permission before spending time with a friend.
• My teen will complete their homework every night and check in with me to tell me.
• My teen will tell me where they are going and who they are spending time with.
• My teen will check in with me weekly about upcoming tests and assignments they might have due.
• No one in the household will become physical with anyone else (e.g., hitting, kicking, punching).
• No one in the household will destroy or damage another person's property.
• When my teen has a new friend, they must come over the house for me to meet them before spending more time together.
• My teen may not use alcohol or other drugs.
• My teen must keep their room clean and clean up after him/herself around the house.

Setting up consequences for breaking the rules

Now that you’ve decided on which rules your teen should follow, it is also important to decide on the consequences for breaking those rules. Then, you need to clearly tell your teen what the consequences will be should they break the rules. Therefore, we have the following list of possible consequences for when your teen breaks the rules and suggestions for how to break the consequence down by the severity of the violation.

• Loss of phone
• Grounded from hanging out with friends
• Loss of video games
• Extra chores (ex: cleaning the bathroom)
• Loss of internet access
• Earlier curfew
• Loss of TV time

It's important to also set up consequences that you can follow through on. For example, if you take away your teen’s phone for a year, it will likely be difficult to follow through on that--either your teen will stop caring about the phone or you may end up giving the phone back to your teen early. We suggest that you think in terms of mild, moderate, and severe violations of the rules. Here are some suggested timelines:

• Minor: 1-7 days
• Moderate: 1-2 weeks
• Severe: 2 weeks-1 month

Limits on social media and technology

In the age of Instagram, Tik Tok, and other apps that teens use, it's also important to have rules for how you'd like your teen to behave on these apps, including what you are okay with them posting and how much time you'd like them to spend on these apps. Here are some rules below that you might like to use with your teen:

• My teen will not purchase any electronic devices (phone, computer, tablet) without checking in with me first
• My teen will not use any technology or go on social media within 1 hour of their bedtime.
• My teen can have social media account but I must know about them and have the password
• My teen will not post inappropriate content on social media, including photos containing nudity, graphic memes or jokes, and anything involving bullying/harassing a peer
• The people who my teen follows and who follow my teen on social media must be similar in age to them. Exceptions to this include adults they know (family members or family friends)
• My teen will allow for me to check their social media accounts to ensure that they are behaving appropriately
• My teen may only spend __ hours a day on social media and using technology every day

Learning about rewarding behavior

The best way to stop misbehavior is to promote good behavior. One way you can do that is by rewarding your child or teen’s positive behavior. Although it can seem silly to reward your child for something you feel they should already be doing (like chores!), it really works. Give it a try! Rewards also don’t have to be big—they can be something small like a compliment or high five. Types of rewards:

Privileges

• Extending curfew by _ minutes
• Inviting friends over the house
• Getting to use the computer for _ minutes
• Playing a video game for _ minutes
• Choosing a special breakfast/dinner menu
• Getting to sleep in _ minutes on the weekend
• Staying up _ minutes later than usual
• Taking _ off from the chores
• Watching Hulu/Netflix/Youtube for _ minutes

Activities

• Baking something in the kitchen
• Renting/downloading movie of their choice
• Riding a bicycle/skateboard for _ minutes
• Going to the movies with a friend
• Spending the night at a friend's house
• (Inviting friend when) Eating out at a restaurant/cafe
• Going to an amusement park
• Going swimming, bowling, canoeing, hiking, etc.

Material goods

• Having a special snack
• Getting something special to hang in/decorate their bedroom
• Downloading songs/app
• Receiving fashion or sports accessories
• Buying new clothes (up to $_ value)
• Getting their own cell phone/iPod/iPad/other electronic, etc.

Practicing rewarding behavior

Now that you've selected some ways you can reward your teen, we want you to think of one way that you could reward your teen for something they did well today.

Time together

• The first way to reduce conflict with your teen is to try to make your time with them more enjoyable. Be present in the moment and pay full attention to the activity. Put your phone/computer away and try not to engage in other distracting behaviors. This will allow for:
• More positive interactions between you and your teen
• Allowing conversations to understand what is going on with your teen
• A foundation for working together

Praising

Be specific about what you are praising.

• "I like the way you ______."
• "You did so well on _____."

Try to praise the effort instead of the accomplishment.

• "I know you had to give up ____ to get this done, but I'm so proud of ______."

Setting aside time in your daily schedule to spend time with teen

• Try to plan times once you both are home so that you can partake in activities you both enjoy (i.e., after dinner, before bedtime, etc.) Have fun just being together!
• Pick a time in the calendar to spend time with your teen every day!

Practicing good communication and listening skills

• Your teen may come to you with problems or complaints. Here are some DOs and DON'Ts
• DON'T make fun of or tease them about their problem
• DO listen carefully and repeat back your understanding of what the problem is for your teen
• DO make sure to stay calm and try to be encouraging with your child (like smiling at them!).
• DON'T jump in to solve the problem
• DO ask your teen if they would like help brainstorming solutions
• DO validate your teen's feelings ("that sounds like a really tough situation")

You and your teen may disagree sometimes. Here are some DOs and DON'Ts on what to do when that happens:

• DON'T raise your voice
• DO stay calm
• DON'T give your child the silent treatment
• DO take space away from your child if things get too heated
• DON'T call your teen names or use inappropriate language with him/her
• DO use "I" statements to express how you are feeling ("I feel worried when you do not come home on time")